Saturday, September 3, 2011

Shark Night 2011 In 3D With More Spoilers Than You Can Shake A Shark Tooth At

As far as I have seen in my entire lifetime of history with 3D movies is that the technique seems best used to accent any grade B 'creature feature' that involves fish with razor sharp teeth that tear into buxom young sunbathers at some poorly administered and supervised summer lake resort.

I took swimming lessons for many summers at such a lake (Lake Pinewa) were all the Manitoba hillbillies from miles around would take vacations for a week or weekend each summer. They had the best snack shake that made the most terrific cheeseburgers (ALMOST better than Curling Club Cheeseburgers) and homemade salt and vinegar chips.

They also had great gelato, Pepsi in glass bottles and freezy pops cooled down to absolute zero. Those were good good times.

That is except for the eight a.m swimming lessons when you had to make it was out to the floating platform. This tired you out enough to barely be able to have to energy to survive the trip back to the beach.

It was a death swim everyday made worse due to sea monster legends that the resort actively promoted - much to my diaper filling fear of things that live under the sea (Really! - 7/10ths of the water on this planet and ya'll haven't figured out the concept of 'personal space').

So for all that effort we get to see a crowd of Hollywood unknowns act like sluts and freaks and get chewed by sharks for their trouble. The girl doing the model drawing had it coming the most. She drew the guys wiener two inches smaller. Don't ask me how I know.

Life and death and it means nothing...all in 3D. Make me an argument why this movie is not perfect at the end of the summer. You got people and sharks blowing up real good in with parts flying right at you.

Too bad everything about the 3D processs makes everything so dark. Just shine the light on something will ya guys because it's really makes a barely tolerable process just that much less tolerable to make it not fun and 3D should be fun.

OKAY - Calvin can do without fish eating up person they have killed gradually. I have a personal fear of that happening to me...or have you not noticed? TRAMA ON ALERT.

O BIG TWIST - The GIRL is the bad ass one. She runs from the law on her speedboat full of her hoomies through the bayou - fuck 3D alligators and swamp reeds. I bet da cop is her daddy and of course there are fresh water sharks that can swim faster than speedboats

Oh look at them all rockin' and modern and hip and sexy and might as well just cover themselves in bbq sauce. Equal numbers of boys and girls on isolated ozark island. Malike, my brother, we hardly knew ya...ya scooby snack.

I hate that I have a PHD in emergency medicine from monster, monster animal or alien monster animal emergency first aid. Keep that airway open and tourniquet that torn apart arm. Is somehow calling 911? We could use a search for the body part and someone topless...yes 3D and topless before I want to kill someone.

I should be said that the lead actresses bathing suit was the perfect color for maximum 3D effect.

Sharks are dicks. They don't like to eat us. They just like to bite once and spit out the pieces. DAMN IT, just take chunks so you make us bleed so that other dickhead sharks take other chunks and the whole vicious cycle continues. But they eat very little of us. Seems Jaws there like a much leaner cut of fish like Tuna. How much of a dickhead move for a fish is that?

OMG..KILLER SHARK CAN TRACK BOAT DUE TO BLOOD TRAIL. SOME REALLY BAD DECISIONS ARE BEING MADE HERE. You would not advance to the next level and not get a patch if you were in my swim safety class. You are just chum at this point. lady.

Bail out while boat is aiming for propane canisters. One in a million shot. K. Now everyone is on land. Things are safe from fishes. UNLESS SOME STUPID BITCH GOES BACK IN THE WATER AND BACK INTO THE WATER AT NIGHT.

BAIT SHOP BOYS ARE EVIL AND GUESS WHAT - SHARKS GONNA EAT THEM UP SOON. Where is the motivation for the shark and the evil hillbilly to fight to the death? I want to see a decades old family feud from back in the old country. But no one wants to make movies like THAT anymore.

When they say everything is going to be okay - NOTHING is going to be okay, OKAY? But many CGI sharks will be well fed after a rude breast innuendo? Half armed guy goes into water to kill animal with picket from a fence. This can't wait until morning? Really?

I just renamed this island - The Island of the Stupid People Who Should Not Live To See Dawn Because They Are Too Stupid To Live - In 3D

THE SURVIVAL INSTINCTS OF THE HOOD TRANSLATE ABOVE AND BELOW THE WATER. It's just "Welcome to the Jungle" out there. The Jets vs The Sharks baby.

Katherine McPhee is very sexy in this but she has to endure some creepy before the beast deliver their righteous judgement.

Dang brave kid. He was bleeding out himself and he still fought to save us all, 'specially the girl he loves. That damn crazy kid. What was he thinkin'? He WASN'T thinkin', that's the truth of it - he WASN'T thinkin'.

Run Jet Ski Kid. Don't make Jake's sacrifice to be one of vain.

This movie does not make bayou hillbillies and law enforcement look like very trustworthy individuals. I think it will hurt tourism in the area. You feed pretty girls to fish but don't have sex with them? Get fuckin' Internet because your sexual fetish is messed up if you think people want to see that online - EVEN during 'Shark Week'.

And can someone build a jet ski that is FASTER than your average fresh water shark? I think being faster than a shark should be the STARTING SPEED of an jet ski?

9/10 - Everything it sets out to be and a little more. It's not summer without my end of the season 3D monster fish attack teens at a lake b movie feature.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...